While this is not a blog about me going back to school- especially since I don’t know if I’ll be going back to school, I want to record my thoughts on school.
I’m thinking about my teenaged DD a lot. You see, I’ve been in court with her bio-dad 2 times since Oct 6. The 2nd court date was yesterday, and we have to go to mediation tomorrow-which I am happy about and dreading at the same time.
Yesterday, my stomach was turning flip flops as I sat at the table with the label “protected person”. I really feel that I felt additional movements in my tummy that can be attributed to the lupron and/or BCP’s. Or, maybe the ivf meds are making me more emotional. It was wierd. I was very nervous and could also feel and “hear” my heart pounding like it was going to pound out of my chest. My stomach was doing little bitty mini jumps over and over. I’m not usually that nervous about court. It could be because this court date brought back a lot of bad memories of the time I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with her bio-dad. The memories may have arose because since this court date was regarding violence and not money as our usual court dates have been. Or it could be that stress and IVF medication are a BAD combo. Or it could be because my own daughter’s grandma wouldn’t hug her at court. ): That shouldn’t hurt me like it does. But it does.
I don’t know. I’m trusting God that the stress from that day won’t ruin my cycle and that I can get through the rest of the cycle without too much stress. I had a headache last night and keep getting them today. I think they are stress induced.
I think that it’s “strange” to be experiencing 2 ends of the parenting spectrum at once. On one end, my DH and I are trying to expand our family using in vitro fertilization and on the other end, I’m facing something that, while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, could/will happen to 50% of families going through IVF now. I pray it doesn’t, but divorce is too common.
As far as DD, I don’t know how to say it any clearer, but I love her and she is my heart. I was very young when I gave birth to her. It was just me and her for so many years. When I wasn’t working or going to school I was hanging out with her. Luckily, as a teen I didn’t need much sleep so we still spent a lot of time together. (; We are/were very close. She looks just like me. She acts like me. She’s almost the age I was when I had her and it scares me. It scares me into wanting to keep her even closer during this time. I’ve kept her close for many years. I started being a SAHM to her when she was 4. I put her in good, Christian schools for most of her education and when she went to public for a few years, you better believe I was involved on all of the PTA, GATE, etc. committees and went on all the field trips and knew all of her teachers.
My “investment” in her is evident- she’s well rounded, involved in several sports and is a straight A student. So you better believe, I’m not changing my recipe for success.
I mentioned Faith in an earlier post. I want to go back to school. Is it fair that her bio-dad got to go to and finish college and I didn’t, since I decided that being a mom was more important than school? Well, yes it’s fair. It was my choice to stop going to college because God showed me it wasn’t in my kids best interests for me to leave them at daycare from 6am-6pm so I coud work and go to school. Plus, I wasn’t progressing- I kept dropping classes because I wasn’t as focused as one needs to be at the University level.
I think it’s a shame because I am “bright”. I was “gifted” and I wanted to become a Dr. (woah, I’m feeling waaaay sorry for myself right now, aren’t I?? must be the ivf meds) I am happy with being a SAHM. But, I guess what I’m saying is I think that going back to school wouldn’t allow me to be home 24-7 and that’s what I think my kids still need.
I found an evening nursing program, but I’d have to miss her basketball games. It would also mean I wouldn’t be at home from 4pm-10pm daily. I LOVE going to her games – and my son’s games too. This year, she’ll be a freshman on the Varsity basketball team and I want to make some time (preggo or not) to help her develop as an athlete. Soccer is her main sport and she excels at it, since she’s played since she was 4.
They’re having an out of the area tournament in early December and I got the idea to go. Well, one of her friends parents hinted I should go. I told the coach I’d like to go and he said I could drive and all the girls cheered that I was going. My daughter wasn’t even there. I love it when teenagers let you “in”. I think it keeps them away from bad stuff. And you know I know about bad stuff! having had her so young.
Then, I realized that the day we’d be leaving is the likely date of my trigger shot and we won’t be back until 5 days later, so due to IVF, I can’t go. I was bummed out. I felt bad enough that I can’t go to the trip because we’re going through IVF. But, it’s a minor sacrifice, I think.
However, going back to school in the evenings would mean I’ll miss her entire season. I do think my daughter needs me. I hope this isn’t all about my needing her.
Even DH, who has a lot more patience than me, isn’t looking forward to these court dates and all this other stuff right now. He doesn’t get nearly as upset as me, but even he said he wishes this drama could wait until after the holidays.
I’m kind of sad. Must be the hormones. I don’t usually cry this much.
I don’t know what God wants me to do about my desire to go back to school. I’l pray some more.
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